What I Wish For
by A.Clips
Summary: One Shot - Will's attempt to apologise to Tessa after the conversation they have on the roof at the end of Clockwork Angel. R&R please!


**DISCLAIMER** – I OWN NONE OF THE CHARACTERS ETC, THEY ALL BELONG TO CASSANDRA CLAIRE WHO'S SIMPLE AMAZE! BOW TO HER BRILLIANCE!

**NOTES** – so in light of clockwork prince which I had to say was incredibly amazing and I'm already having to read it a second time just..because it's brilliant 3 I had the muse for a little interlude in my larger fanfics to try out a one shot. I wasn't sure how this was going to go because I usually prefer to have a plot and develop it and all, so let me know what you think and I might dabble in one shots again : ) It's basically Will's attempt to reconcile with Tessa after the roof scene from Clockwork Angel. There are hints of things we discover about Will from Clockwork Prince but nothing blatant...Originally I didn't intend to end it as I did, but I felt it more right to finish there than go on...R&R my lovely's!

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><p><em>"You care for me and you know that I admire you, the way that all women know when a man admires them. Now you have come to tell me you will be here, available to me, for as long as I might wish it. I am offering you what I thought you wanted."<em>

_"You cannot mean that"_

_"And you cannot have imagined I meant anything more. There is no future for a Shadowhunter who dallies with warlocks. One might befriend them, employ them, but not..."_

_"Marry them?"_

The words continued to replay throughout his troubled mind even after several long winded days had passed since they'd been spoken. They haunted the dark haired boy, refusing to allow him to rest, to return to his usual appetite, to ponder anything other than her. _Tessa...Tessa...Tessa_...the name appeared to be on a constant loop at the fore-front of every thought, unable to relieve him of his guilt over his words. He knew he'd been unnecessarily cruel, and it threatened to crush him every second he was not before her apologising profusely and pleading for her forgiveness. He had hardly spoken to her since the incident had occurred; treating her with the casual indifference one might when approached by someone in the street they did not know. It hurt him with a physical pain each time he did so, but he had to for her sake, even if she did not understand it now or possibly ever. If he had known the repercussions of his actions five years ago, he would never have done what he had. But that was a difficulty of human nature was it not? That you could not know the consequences of your actions until too late, whether they be good or bad, and then you spent many years attempt to atone for them, to repent.

The past could not be changed, and there was no point dwelling upon it. The future however, was a little more within his control, and he knew that if he did not attempt to talk to Tessa soon he may just sink into a shadow of himself, guilt swallowed him, as did regret, and he could not stand the look he saw within her gaze whenever his resolve wavered and he caught her eyes for a moment; hurt, betrayal...it would soon converge to contempt and whilst he could not allow her to love him, the idea that she might come to loath him pained him so. He had to righten things somehow between them, no matter what it cost him to allow his guard to slip if but for a few moments. He was being selfish he knew, but after everything he'd done these previous five years he thought perhaps he deserved a second to think of himself, to put himself first as many thought it was all he did.

_Marry them_...those two words chased themselves around his mind and he shut his eyes briefly. Tessa had had to touch upon the one subject he'd been hoping she would not broach. He tended to avoid thinking about the future in that sense, knowing it was something one day he might wish for and yet could not have for reasons he could not tell a soul. He had never really thought of marriage, never allowed himself the option but when Tessa had brought it up in that manner, he'd felt his heart crack like the way a window pane might should someone throw a stone against it, a spider's web of disjointed lines, sharp as a knifes edge. He'd seen that look within her enticing warm grey gaze and wished on the Angel he could promise her something, and yet he had lashed at her with sharp, cutting words. If only she knew how much he wished he could have said differently, or told her it was only for her own good, and yet he could not, for fear of what would happen to her should he allow her to love him. It was a painful consequence, agony, but there was little he could do about it at this moment in time aside from apologise, unless somehow, some when, he managed to set what he had done in the past right and therefore change his future. He could only hope.

Will sighed, the sound appearing as a breath of translucent fog, curling in the cold air, formed from the chill of the wintry late afternoon as he watched the progress of the sun descent to the tips of the rooftops of London. It's bright light cast an incandescent golden glow over the quiet city, as though the coming of evening had paused all activities so the inhabitants of the city could watch the setting of the glorious sun and it's trailing fingertips as they left blazing trails along the roofs of houses and businesses alike. The Thames shimmered under the light, peaceful and undisturbed. Now was one of Will's favourite times, and he hardly felt the pain of the rail digging into his firm forearms as he lent forward into the scene before him, as if the peace of it could transcend into his own being if he yearned hard enough for it. But it could not, and he forced himself to turn away from the beauty of it, disallowing himself the pleasure of the sun's final moments out of attempt to begin repentance on his words to Tessa.

He had to speak to her now before his courage failed him, and he pushed back a stray lock of ebony hair as he shoved himself away from the railing and slipped back into the shadows of the attic, pausing only to watch as dust danced in the light that filtered through the high, small windows, playful and joyous, everything William wished he could be for once and not worry for the consequences. He was tired of trying to find of how his actions now might affect the future. Oh so tired. Shaking his head as an onslaught of images flashed across his mind at the remembrance of a moment him and Tessa once had in here, not wishing to torture himself with them for worry that when he tried to apologise he would not be able to rein himself back, but instead take her in his arms no matter how inappropriate. Sometimes he had no patience to be proper.

He knew not where to find her, for the Institute was near silent as he tread the corridors quietly, glancing about in the hope that he might simply bump into her. But that would be too easy, perhaps he deserved to search for her, to make such effort. He was tempted to head first for her room, but for some reason it felt wrong that he should head for her quarters before trying somewhere else before hand, as if he expected her to be there, awaiting him. The thought of that made his heart squeeze as more of his words resurfaced from their conversation. Untruthfully saying he'd insinuated she had merely wanted physical relations, it had been incredibly improper of him, but he had had to push her away somehow lest she fall further for him.

Will checked several rooms on the way to the one he thought she may currently be residing within. If there was one certain passion they shared, it was for books, and it was with a natural pull toward the room that he headed for the Library. He enjoyed to sit amongst the books, to be surround by them – the incredible stories, the flawed characters with their strong personalities that left impressions upon you well after the last page. He admired literature, though he did not admit how much of an interest he honestly took in it, to the others he simply led them to believe it was something he did to pass time, or to irritate them with his quotes. Tessa knew though, and when she spoke of novels he saw the same passion for reading that he felt reflected in her own words.

He did not pause to knock or anything as such, there was no need, she did not own the room even if he already felt that he had been right in thinking she was currently residing within the Library; and sure enough as he pushed open the door he saw her sitting comfortably within one of the chairs. In her gentle, tender hands she held a book, and he felt a smile threaten to tug his lips as he noticed the title of the book – "A tale of two cities", a favourite of hers Will had no doubt. Though her enchanting eyes were not moving across the lines of writing upon the page, but looking past the top of the book to one of the windows, gaze filled with troubles and thoughts and it was all William could do to bite back the questions he wished to ask her. What was she thinking? Was something troubling her? Could he help her with something?

He hesitated in the doorway, for once his confident bravado diminished as he attempted to find the words he needed. He was unused to apologising, often when he said cruel things he left them where they were, all the better to drive people away from him, keep them safe from him, but this was something he felt he needed to set right. Or at least attempt to. She had not yet noticed him and so he stole a moment to try and settle his thoughts and nerves, feeling the muscles in his right hand jump slightly as he saw a lock of her dark chocolate hair had fallen across her face, and he itched to brush it back, to glaze his fingertips over the soft of her pale, prominent cheekbones.

She must have felt his presence, for she blinked then and turned her head in surprise, a small 'oh' formed upon her perfect lips. Will quickly rearranged his features, a cool mask sliding over his previous wonder of her beauty and he stepped forward closer before all but throwing himself into the spare chair opposite her, slouching comfortably into it and see how her features changed into a frown, a slight dimple between her eyebrows that William secretly found endearing. "You..." she said quietly, and Will could not help himself but roll his brilliant blue eyes and look away.

"Excellent observational skills you have, Tessa." He said, his tone light, a quick flash of a grin taking away any malice she might have thought he meant. He knew he would need to apologise quickly lest he slip into his usual role with her and do more damage than he'd originally intended. She saw the sigh in the way her lips parted and her shoulders dropped slightly though he heard no sound. He could see she was already resigned to having her moment of peace disturbed by him.

"What do you want, Will?" He was at least a little glad to notice that she has not transgressed into calling him 'William' or worse 'Mr. Herondale'. But to hear the exasperation within her words hurt just the slightest, even if he deserved it. He sighed and was quiet for a moment, shifting in his seat to face her properly, an experession of seriousness crossing his face.

"I came to apologise, Tess." She saw her cheeks flush slightly, though in response to his unexpected, almost blunt honesty, his apology or the way he called her 'Tess' he couldn't be certain. She said nothing and so he continued on, taking a deep breath and looking at her, holding her gaze with his. "I was unnecessarily cruel to you upon the roof the previous day, for which I'm sorry." He said, trying to keep his gaze neutral, shaking his head slightly as he saw something too much like hope blossom within her eyes. "It doesn't change things, Tessa." He said quietly and he swallowed hastily to see her gaze darken slightly.

"Then why apologise?" She asked, her tone sharper than he thought she'd intended and Will stood before he realised what he was doing, raking his hands through his hair in a rush of frustration. Why couldn't she just accept his apology and leave it at that? Why did she have to keep pushing?

"Because there was no need for me to say such things." He said simply, reining himself back under control quickly lest something slip from his mouth that he should not allow. He was lying of course, there was need to push her away from him, much need for it, though perhaps if he'd just kept his distance to begin with he would not have needed to say such things, to hurt her in such a way when really...he loved her.

"You are quite correct, there was no need." Tessa responded stiffly, standing also and turning as if to depart. Slightly alarmed that this had turned upon him so quickly. He had not been naive to believe this would be easy, but it was certainly not going in his favour in the slightest; in fact it appeared he was making things worse. Will was tempted to let her leave, but something caused him to take a fast step toward her and reach out to grab her arm. He could not let her walk away from him like this; he could not leave things between them in this manner.

"Tessa, listen to me, please-"

"Let me go, William, or-"

"_Please_!" Will had not pleaded with such sincerity for many years, and he watched the surprise flash across Tessa's face as she watched him carefully, along with another emotion he couldn't identify. Will knew that if he wasn't careful he was going to loose her entirely, and whilst he knew in the deepest part of his mind that he should allow her to walk away from him, allow her to shut him out of her life, his heart beat harder and more powerful, taking over his mind and refusing to let her. If she cut him out of her life now, he might never recover, and he saw for himself a downward spiral of despair and bitterness he might never escape from.

"I wish I could tell you the truth Tessa, honestly I do. But there are things that you cannot know, things that I cannot tell you, at least not now. Things outside of my control, or yours or Jem's or Charlotte's or Henry's control for that matter. You just have to trust me when I say I don't wish to hurt you, not like that. You have to promise me, that whatever I say, whatever I do...you won't grow to hate me, but you cannot be close to me either." He could not break his gaze from her, fingers clamped none to gently around her arm and he focused his attention on his words rather than the feel of her skin under his fingers, or the widening of her eyes.

"I could never hate you, Will...I love-" Will swallowed hard and frowned slightly, desperation causing him to tighten his grip slightly around her arm.

"Stop. You can't say that...you can't tell me that. You can't love me Tess. Just promise me..." He knew that this was unfair, that by explaining he didn't wish to be cruel would cause her to want to know more, to delve into things she shouldn't, to love him anyway, and it would be the end of her. He hadn't meant to do this, to say this to her, but the idea of her hating him was too much for him, and now he'd said word's he should not have; words he could not take back. Hopefully she could move on. When she realised he could not change, could not allow her to love him she would grow tired, resentful perhaps, move on...but as long as she did not hate him he could survive.

"I promise." She said quietly, her voice was steady and she looked up at him. He could not resist her anymore, not with her so close to him, not with her promising him, not with the look she was giving him, and he wanted to take it whilst he could, whilst she still looked at him like that. So he took something he shouldn't. He stole a kiss. Angling his head toward hers as she peered up at him, he made a strange almost strangled noise at the back of his throat, as if he were a dying man and she were his only cure. And then he kissed her...and everything else but the girl in his arms just melted away for one last time...


End file.
